What is Early Onset Parenthood?

Eagan Norman, Staff Reporter

You walk into your 11:00 lecture after having no breaks between your prior two classes and this one. You go sit next to your friend Steve who is in class with you and say “I’m so hungry right now,” and just as you finish saying that last word he says “Hi so hungry right now, I’m Steve.” Now your first instinct may be to slap him silly, but take a step back and sigh; he’s one of the many Americans that suffer from what is called Early Onset Parenthood (EOP)*, specifically Early Onset Fatherhood (EOF)*. Early Onset Motherhood (EOM)* is also stems from EOP. But what is EOP? Where does it come from? Is there a cure? We’ll take a look into EOP, and its impacts on everyday life for people afflicted by this condition, as well as their loved ones.

EOP is the Early Onset of stereotypical parental traits. The symptoms aren’t always displayed in the same ways, but most of the time are fairly easy to spot. Someone who seems to be way too interested in how your day is going, who gives you rides anywhere you need in their minivan, and/or makes you meals without you asking may be suffering from EOM. Other symptoms of EOM include taking care of one while sick, doing embarrassing dance moves to lame music in public, power walking for exercise and wearing mom-jeans. On the other hand, someone who is afflicted with EOP can be observed wearing awkward looking sweaters and windbreakers, listening to the last generation’s music, wearing socks and sandals, drinking coffee at any point before 5 pm, drinking craft beer at any point after 5 pm (if they’re over 21 of course), and worst of all, telling the worst of jokes and making the most terrible puns. Although it is a common misconception, EOP is not a symptom of pregnancy, and in most cases does not indicate that your friend is/got someone pregnant. EOF and EOM also don’t have gender roles, so your guy friend making chicken noodle soup when you have the flu may have EOM, and your female friend who always asks if your dentist appointment is at 2:30 (tooth-hurty) may have EOP.

At the current moment, not a lot is known about EOP, and there has been no cure found. In studies done on people afflicted with EOP, the subjects weren’t aware that they were slowly turning into parents without children, and thought that some of their habits were just them being “unique” or “hipster.” If you realize that one of your friends has EOP, it is important to remain calm, and follow some tips from the Portland University of Nontraditional Sicknesses (PUNS)*:

  • If your friend asks if you want to do some cross-fit or go for a powerwalk, suggest a healthier alternative like actually lifting, or going for an actual run.
  • Make sure that friends with EOF only drink McCafe Coffee and Busch Light when looking for coffee and or beer, or get them to drink a more, what kids these days call, “hip” drink.
  • When buying them gifts, avoid something you could see your parents wearing, using, or enjoying remotely in any way.
  • Listen exclusively to pop-music that has come out in this decade.
  • If your friend makes a pun or joke, ignore it and proceed with the conversation that you were having. By acknowledging their jokes, the DJRs in their brain (Dad-Joke-Receptors) will start replicating at an exponential rate, and your friend will be unable to resist the urge to make bad puns and jokes.

Early Onset Parenthood is a minor condition, but make sure to support your afflicted friends and family in any way you can. Be there for them, even if it is punbearable.

*EOF, EOM, EOP, and PUNS are all fictional conditions/organizations created by the writer of this article in order to justify his daily actions and have an excuse to make bad jokes. Although this is a satirical article, it is important to accept your friends for who they are, and support them, no matter what they are going through. Everyone is a very different individual, and is the way they are supposed to be. In the words of Prem Rawat, “There will never, ever be another one like you on the face of this earth. Never. What does that mean to you? You’re precious.”