From Sept. 25 to 28, crowds of people from all over Wisconsin and surrounding states flooded into La Crosse to celebrate Oktoberfest. With annual crowds of 150,000 people, Oktoberfest, an originally German holiday, is deemed one of the biggest weekends in the La Crosse tri-state area.
With so many people in the area bumps, bruises and brawls are sure to take place. However, other than a few minor cases of alcohol poisoning, everyone left this year’s Oktoberfest virtually unscathed.
Being the first year without major incidents, the La Crosse Police Department and local residents are all asking the question, “How did this happen?”
According to The Acorn’s anonymous tip line, it appears that tourists visiting the La Crosse area were confused by the notion of “Thirsty Thursday”. While locals know that this is a day where the bars have the best deals, confused travelers were seen dipping their Oktoberfest mugs into the Mississippi River.
“My eyesight isn’t too good and when I saw the yellow tint in the river, I thought it was beer! I know La Crosse goes all out for Oktoberfest and just assumed this was a Willy Wonka chocolate river type of ordeal,” said Peggy Wurst.
Unfortunately, Wurst wasn’t the only tourist to make this mistake as a new report from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service shows that the Mississippi river has reached record low levels.
During the festivities, members of the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources (DNR) could be seen pleading with drunken patrons to stop their guzzling for the sake of the Mississippi ecosystem.
“At certain points the river just stops, and you see dead fish everywhere. We’ve been trying to help where we can but it’s just no use, these Wisconsinites know how to drink,” said DNR employee Jack Stein.
Stein and his team have been forming a water bigrade line from French Island to the river and are attempting to fill the Mississippi one bucket of water at a time. The task force urges residents to volunteer their time to help restore the great river to its original conditions.
Winner of the Miss La Crosse Oktoberfest pageant Viv Beirson said, “I’ve been out helping all morning, the Mississippi drying up is the worst thing to happen since the Wisconsin vape ban!”
While the river was decimated, the constant consumption of water by festival crowds led to a dramatic drop in drunk and disorderly arrests. Encouraged by the results, local law enforcement is now exploring future strategies to keep patrons hydrated—ideally in ways that don’t involve the ecological destruction of a major North American waterway.
To sign up for the local water brigade email Stein at bigsteinsforrivers.com.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
