The Acorn Logo.

University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor James Beeby is set to be inaugurated on Friday, May 2. While the event is already set to be packed full of UWL students and faculty and community members, the Chancellor has decided to kick things up a notch by wrestling none other than WWE legend John Cena.  

The announcement comes on the heels of history being made, as John Cena emerged victorious against then-WWE Champion Cody Rhodes on night two of WrestleMania 41in Las Vegas, landing Cena his 17th WWE title and breaking Ric Flair’s record for the most WWE championships in history.  

Chancellor Beeby reportedly wants to officially start rebuilding UWL’s public image as part of the school’s “Reimagine Plan,” shifting attention away from previous controversies and instead presenting him and his administration as more involved with current events and what students care about.  

“Chancellor Beeby is proud to be on camera doing a different type of wrestling than what our last Chancellor was known for,” explained a UWL faculty member.  

While everybody isn’t thrilled about the match, there certainly are many eager fans that are excited about Beeby-Cena throwdown.  

“I’m really craving this Beeby-Cena match,” said one freshman. “His main event at WrestleMania was a little week for me, but I have no doubt that this Beeby-Cena match will leave me satisfied.”  

The university is having a difficult time accommodating Cena, as the Surf’s Up 2: WaveMania star is apparently unwilling to stay in Drake Hall, even though they would give him an RA room and would paint his door green just the way he likes it.  

Additionally, UWL facilities workers have been incredibly busy trying to get the ring and viewing area set up for the match, saying that “the Beeby-Cena match will be much bigger than expected.” UWL event staff anticipate the Chancellor Beeby vs. John Cena title match to be the biggest single event in school history.  

The following information was updated on May 5.

After a reign of only 13 days, John Cena was defeated in his WWE title defense by Chancellor James Beeby, and fans of wrestling, education, truth and the pursuit of happiness left UWL filled with joy and hope.

When he finished delivering his address, the newly inaugurated Chancellor Beeby prepared to enter the ring for his hotly anticipated match against The Cenation Leader. After much back-and-forth, Beeby had Cena lined up for a super kick reminiscent of Shawn Michaels’ classic “Sweet Chin Music” finishing move. That’s when disaster struck.

Cena grabbed Beeby’s muscular leg, stopping him in his tracks. Then, he threw him into the turnbuckle, stunning the esteemed academic and giving Cena the time to lift Chancellor Beeby above his head to set up his famous “Attitude Adjustment” finisher. However, before he could finish, Provost and Vice Chancellor Betsy Morgan came to the rescue with one of the inauguration ceremony’s symbols: the mace.

While it’s currently used to signify the pursuit of truth, Morgan brought the mace back to its medieval combat roots by slamming its handle square into Cena’s chest, bringing him to his knees and giving Beeby a moment to breathe.

“Honestly, it wasn’t planned that way at all,” said Morgan. “But there was no way I was letting that balding fraud defeat Chancellor Beeby.”

Beeby then wielded the mace and shocked the audience by summoning its ancient power to smite Cena and emerge victorious.

“People were coming up to me after and asking me, ‘How did you know to do that?’ It’s easy. My bloodline goes back all the way to King Arthur and beyond, so channeling that power was quite natural,” said Beeby.

Response to the event was overwhelmingly positive, with fans clambering for more wrestling matches on campus. While there aren’t any concrete plans for more events, Beeby and Morgan have announced they will be competing as a tag-team duo under the name of “The Teacher’s Pets.”

DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.