The Waterfront Restaurant & Tavern announced they will be closing forever on March 14. To help commemorate this important La Crosse cultural institution, former president Joe Biden announced that he would pardon former University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor James Beeby for his drug-dealing crimes under the moniker of “El Abojorro” and reinstate him as chancellor.
Biden, who had previously pardoned former UWL Chancellor Joe Gow in 2024, felt the need to once again insert himself into a sticky situation for the benefit of the UW system.
“Chancellors Gow and Beeby both got in trouble for serving that raw, but I respect any man who goes into business for himself,” said Biden.
The day after Biden’s announcement, former speaker at UWL’s Recreational Eagle Center Elon Musk announced a retaliatory effort against the Biden-Beeby ceremony because of Larry Noodle’s coverage of Musk last spring, which he felt was biased and unfair.
“Mr. Noodle’s words are going to blow up in his face,” said Musk. “Everything that’s going to happen is all his fault. What he said about me was my thirteenth reason as to why I’m taking revenge on this wretched city.”
Sources close to the Acorn have confirmed that Musk’s plan involves the firing of a Tesla satellite laser at the Waterfront during the pardon ceremony, disintegrating the restaurant on impact.
However, this act of extraterrestrial terror has not daunted neither Biden or Beeby. Instead, the pair have decided to hire some muscle of their own, deciding to employ Beeby’s once-rival John Cena, to work as security for the ceremony.
On the day of the Waterfront’s closing, La Crosse locals gathered around to mourn the loss of one of the city’s staple restaurants. As Joe Biden was finishing up his land acknowledgment, locals who were unaware of the danger they were in looked up to see a giant red laser beam making its way to the Waterfront.
As civilians ran away in terror John Cena took out a giant mirror crafted by Wolfgang Auer, the infamous sculpture of the blue baby, and aimed it back at Musk’s satellite. In a ferocious battle of man vs laser, Cena was able to successfully deflect the disintegration ray with his Five-Knuckle Shuffle.
Sure that he had completed his take-down, Cena threw the mirror down in victory. As he did, the last parts of the laser beam deflected into the Mississippi River making it run dry for the second time in the last six months.
During the commotion the UWL Pisser struck again, a feat that has been awaited since 2025. Mid tinkle on the designer shoes of Chancellor Beeby, John Cena and Joe Biden teamed up for a double person Attitude Adjustment.
After throwing the pisser around like a rag doll the two finally unmasked the vandal. In a surprising turn of events the UWL pisser turned out to be none other than Elon Musk.
“I was so caught up in trying to flick the beam with my mirror and next thing I knew, some punk is whizzing on Beeby’s shoes. So, I did what I knew best,” reflected Cena. “The thrill of being back in action again was incredible. I never thought I would ever do a Shuffle or an AA [Attitude Adjustment] again.”
Cena held Musk in his signature STF submission hold until authorities arrived and escorted Musk to the police station. He awaits a criminal trial and has threatened to take legal action against the Acorn if he gets released.
The owners of the Waterfront did not respond for comment, but the prevailing sentiment among the Acorn’s sources is that Waterfront management felt they made the right decision to close their doors permanently.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
