One Day for UWL is a philanthropic day hosted by the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse. For 24 hours students, alumni and anyone willing to give, donate money to the university so they can champion unique academic programs, offer scholarships, fund undergraduate research opportunities and do other miscellaneous acts of institutional kindness.
2025 was UWL’s sixth annual “day of giving” where $622,664 was raised for the university. According to UWL’s website, 167 different departments, teams, programs and clubs received money leading to the improvement of the entire campus community.
While this record-breaking number of donations was exciting, it was brought to The Acorn’s attention that this philanthropic day might not be what it seems. Courtesy of Sir Solves-a-Lot, La Crosse’s local personal investigator and downtown DJ, it has been uncovered that the use of this money was actually going toward trafficking drugs through the Amtrak railway system.
Amtrak, a train company whose railways technically cover America, has built a national reputation on unreliability and passenger frustration. Because of this, the trains rarely get much use. According to Solves-a-Lot, this “horrible excuse for public transportation” was intentionally designed this way by a Wisconsin drug lord known only as El Abejorro–Spanish for “the bumblebee”.
Without the investigative prowl of Solves-a-Lot, this story would never have been brought to light. Originally only a DJ, Solves-a-Lot stumbled upon this case while taking the train from La Crosse to Madison.
“I was taking the train down to Madison to DJ a baptism for Tony Evers’ grandson,” Solves-a-Lot said. “And I noticed these guys loading a bunch of stuff onto the train. I went over to ask if they needed help, and when they pushed me away, a small baggie filled with white stuff fell out of one of their pockets. I picked it up before anyone saw because I don’t want drugs on the streets but don’t ask me where it is though because I definitely have no idea”.
Because the trains are virtually empty and known for their tardiness, no alarms were raised each time a train would spend an extra 15 minutes at the La Crosse station. According to Solves-a-Lot, it was during these seemingly harmless delays that El Abejorro’s drug mules loaded thousands of pounds of cocaine, molly and heroin aboard.
“Once I figured out what these guys were dealing with, I decided to follow them some more. They were surprisingly clumsy and kept dropping those little baggies, so I picked them up for evidence. They must be slippery though because I’ve managed to lose every single one,” Solves-a-Lot said.
After weeks of gathering intel and “testing” the drug baggies left behind, Solves-a-Lot finally found El Abejorro’s headquarters. When heading to the Recreational Eagle Center (REC) to complete his daily workout of 1000 pushups, 1000 pullups and 10 body weight squats, Solves-a-Lot noticed a crease in the wall that hadn’t been there before.
“I thought I was tripping at first because I had just had some coke…diet coke…but then I looked closer and it was actually a trap door,” Solves-a-Lot remarked.
The hidden door led to a secret basement below the REC. It was there that Solves-a-Lot saw hundreds of Whitney workers cutting and bagging various drugs.
“I counted and there were like 192 boxes of straight drugs,” Solves-a-lot said.
After reporting the underground organization to the proper authorities, the following week the police raided the basement and recovered 180 boxes of various illicit substances. According to local authorities each box was sealed with a hyper-realistic sticker of Barry B. Benson from “The Bee Movie”.
The bee sticker immediately tipped police off that these drugs were from the underground trafficking ring run by El Abejorro. With suspicions that someone at the university might be involved, the police began investigating campus leaders.
Wanting to help out, Solves-a-Lot opened his own separate investigation. After a long night of connecting photos on the wall with red wire, Solves-a-Lot informed the police about his theory of the bee stickers correlating to the pronunciation of Chancellor James Beeby’s last name (Bee-bee).
Following up on the lead, the police swept the chancellor’s office and found damning evidence–a stack of Barry B. Benson stickers along with a kilogram of cocaine. It was officially uncovered that the drug lord El Abejorro was none other than UWL Chancellor James Beeby.
Originally, Beeby had been running the operation from the comfort of his mansion in London. After Joe Gow got fired for pornography, there wasn’t anyone at UWL he trusted to maintain the business from afar. Local gangs began fighting for control of the drug market, and eventually Beeby decided to step in and handle things himself.
The discovery of Beeby as El Abejorro led to the unanimous firing of the chancellor by the Wisconsin Board of Regents. The university scrambled to denounce the drug lord as this was the second chancellor scandal the university has faced in the last three years.
In the meantime, Provost Betsy Morgan has been chosen as the interim chancellor yet again and has already begun implementing new policies. Her first order of business is mandating that any student who missed classes the Wednesday before Thanksgiving only be allowed to take 7:45 a.m. classes for the remainder of their time at UWL.
Solves-a-Lot was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his investigative work. When asked what case he was going to pursue next, Solves-a-Lot said, “I’ll probably just stay at home and work on my music, I recently discovered a bunch of inspiration”.
Unfortunately, the Amtrak system remains “operational”. However, without the business that drug trafficking was bringing in, professionals foresee the economic collapse of this ancient transportation company.
The case against former Chancellor Beeby is ongoing and will continue to be covered by The Acorn. If anyone has any helpful information related to the REC’s underground drug trafficking ring, please contact the La Crosse Police Department.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
