As the students of the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse prepares for their spring commencement on May 16, there comes a big announcement that will undoubtedly shake up the landscape of college graduation as we know it: Summerfest headliner Jelly Roll will be performing at the brand-new halftime show during UWL’s graduation ceremony this year.
Due to record graduation numbers, the university feared that the crowd might become restless during the lengthy ceremony and start committing felonies. In response, they were able to secure the “Liar” singer to perform an exclusive 15-minute set at the La Crosse Center.
“I’m super excited that we are able to get Jelly to play for us,” said Jammy Baguette, an event coordinator for UWL. “This is going to be a big moment for the community. Jelly is like the new Michael Jackson, in a way, and I’m glad we can bring that kind of star presence to the city and the university.”
As far as the La Crosse Center goes, this will be their biggest performance since Yung Gravy in the fall of 2024.
“We are lucky to have someone on the level of Mr. Roll perform in our arena,” said an important person from the La Crosse Center.
Students are not as thrilled about this news.
“I honestly think he kind of sucks,” said one student.
“I was really hoping we would get to watch people fight to the death instead of a Jelly Roll concert. I’ll probably see if a few people want to do that anyway and just leave during the halftime show,” said another student.
Other performers students mentioned they would rather see at the halftime show include Druski, DJ Khaled, Creed and Minor Theft.
However, sources close to The Acorn have confirmed that the main reason Jelly Roll has been brought in to perform is because Chancellor Beeby is a huge fan and even has his own Jelly Shrine in his office. Many faculty members reportedly find it embarrassing how much the chancellor adores Jelly Roll’s music.
This is not the first time there has been extra-curricular entertainment at a UWL event. Last December, Chancellor Beeby showed up to winter commencement just totally dripped out; last May, Chancellor Beeby and soon-to-be-retired Provost and Vice Chancellor Betsy Morgan had a bout against wrestling legend John Cena.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
