The University of Wisconsin-La Crosse’s winter commencement was held on Sunday, Dec. 14 at the La Crosse Center. An emotional day for many students and their families, it’s also an event that marks the completion of one chapter of life and the beginning of a whole new book. However, this carefully-planned day was sent into a tizzy when a freshly dripped out Chancellor Beeby made his way to the podium.
“It took me by complete surprise,” said graduate Erin Burr-Berry. “I mean, I didn’t even know he could dress like that at commencement. His aura was just absolutely off the charts.”
Addressing the crowd in a Moncler jacket and Dior ski goggles, the awestruck audience seemed to hang on every word that came out of his iced-out mouth, which featured a set of grillz from legendary Houston jeweler Johnny Dang.
“The way the audience was looking at me, I could tell I had that [sic] on…they just had that look on their face that said to me, ‘wow, his fit’s so hard,” said Chancellor Beeby in a post-commencement interview with The Acorn.
Traditionally, Chancellor Beeby would have worn his standard regalia to fit the occasion, just like the graduates. However, the chancellor felt that the time was right to make a statement and splash on his wardrobe.
“I woke up, and it was positively freezing outside, and I thought to myself, ‘If it’s like that outside, then why shouldn’t my neck be frozen too?” said Chancellor Beeby.
After delivering his speech at the beginning of the ceremony, he disappeared behind the curtains before emerging with a new outfit on, ready to hand out diplomas to all the graduates. This time, the chancellor donned Gold Standard polarized Pit Vipers, an Alex Diamond Joyeria 14k SuperMan pendant and Louis Vuitton gloves.
“I went up to receive my diploma and I was shaking,” said graduate Ralph Simmons. “He had so much drip on, I thought I might get swept away in its current before I could get the chance to shake his tantalizing hand.”
The chancellor was seeking to do something unexpected that would boost his image among the student population. Having been at UWL for almost two calendar years, Chancellor Beeby wanted to cement himself as a unique figure on campus.
“Beeby was going off up there. He really might be white boy of the year,” said attendee Dee Ziner. “At first, I thought it would be Timothée Chalamet again, but Beeby just had too much ice on for Timmy to compete.”
“It was time for me to, as a white boy, ‘turn my swag on,’ as they say,” explained Beeby.
After the commencement was over, the chancellor returned to the UWL campus for a photoshoot in his favorite Versace robe, with many passersby uttering phrases such as “holy aura,” “Chancellor Swaggy” and “that boy tough.”
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
