Dear LeBron Raymone James Sr.,
It has recently come to my attention that you informed the Los Angeles Lakers of the National Basketball Association that you are seeking to play elsewhere in the 2026-2027 season, and that they can move forward without you. First off, I would like to congratulate you for all your success over the past decade. The crown of King James is heavy to wear, and you should be proud of the feats you accomplished while in Los Angeles.
Some people (not me, of course) refer to the championship you won while in the NBA COVID-19 bubble as a “Mickey Mouse” ring, but I like to think of that as more of a reference to Disney World and the wonder that awaits a starry-eyed hopeful youth stepping foot in the land of the dreamers for the first time than the somewhat illegitimate and fraudulent circumstances skeptics made the bubble out to be under. After all, your lineup included multiple-time NBA champions Danny Green and Kentavious Caldwell-Pope. I think most teams would have fallen short playing against a team with that kind of firepower.
Kudos aside, I would like to reveal my true intention of writing this piece, which is in regards to your destination for the upcoming season of basketball. I know there are rumors you might join Steph Curry in Golden State, which I admit would be quite entertaining. From the lifestyle side of things, being neighbors with Steph would be quite nice; you could shoot hoops in your driveways together, and you wouldn’t have to live next to any undesirable poors. That is something that might not be guaranteed in other cities.
I’ve also heard that Anthony Davis could potentially join you on the Golden State Warriors, and that Draymond Green might also stay on board, despite declining his player option. If this was 2016, this would be the greatest team of all time. As things stand, this should be pretty good; however, Bron, my King, I must be honest with you: this would be an unction on par with the 2008 Celtics, and you know it.
To counter this potential paper-white beard party, I propose to you a simple solution, one that allows you to conquer the one lane of basketball you never had a chance to rule: the NCAA. I mean, it’s simple, really. You were one of the last players to ever go straight from high school to the next level. Think about it. What’s left for you in the NBA? You’ve won four championships. Four MVP’s. 22 straight All-Star selections. Most games played, most points scored, most triple-doubles. You even got to play with Bronny. Seeing as we all know your other son isn’t going to make the league anyway, why not take over the NCAA for one last ride?
At this point, I’m sure I’ve won you over, but now you’re wondering which university is the right landing spot for your eminence. Well, let me introduce you to a place where the academics soar just as high as the athletics, where the bluffs rise and the river runs, where Jelly Roll gave a legendary performance at a graduation halftime show and where John Cena saved the planet from being blown up: I’m talking about none other than the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse.
Wouldn’t this be a dream come true for you, LeBron? You would cement your status as the the beast slayer, the conqueror’s conqueror, the GOAT of all GOATs, so that they say, at the end of your career, ladies and gentlemen, your King, the ultimate needle-mover, the head of the table, the Akron Hammer in god-mode himself…LeBron James. Think about it, King. Isn’t this what you’ve secretly always wanted?
You would get the opportunity to work with a young and hungry squad that is poised to take the next step. What does a team like Golden State have that UWL doesn’t? Who needs Steve Kerr when you have when you have WBCA Division III Public Men’s Coach of the Year JT Gritzmacher? Who needs Steph Curry when you have Sam Grieger? Who needs the Chase Center when you have Mitchell Hall?
And just think about the impact this would have on local industry, Bron. Wisconsin is 17th in the United States in yearly honey production. After you come to UWL, though? This would skyrocket an already-promising industry and local pastime in Wisconsin because everybody would want to pour honey on you, GOAT. Not only would you save college sports, but you would catapult a whole state into a level of excellence and wellbeing we’ve never seen before.
If being great in a level of play you’ve never been in before and acting as a catalyst for the industry of an entire state isn’t enough for you, I have a more personal touch that might convince you if you’re somehow still on the fence: my father. As a father yourself, I’m sure you understand and value the effect a strong and healthy relationship with one’s son can have on both you and your child. As for me and my father, we’ve always had a great relationship, but something we don’t see eye-to-eye on is the topic of who the greatest NBA player of all time is.
See, my father was born in the 70’s, and grew up in the Michael Jordan three-peat era. I understand how defining that is on someone’s love for the game and for MJ as a player. After all, it didn’t take too long after he became a true superstar for it to become clear that he was the greatest player the game had ever seen. That is, until you came along. You, LeBron James, a kid from Akron, Ohio, went straight from high school to the NBA. You won titles with three separate teams, and the longevity with which you’ve stayed at your peak is truly astounding. My father has so far been unable to realize this absolute truth, but this could potentially be solved by sharing proximity with my father. On behalf of myself and all people under the age of 38: please come to UWL and prove oldheads wrong. Prove to them that you’re the King.
LeBron, wherever you choose to go, I will support you. Unless it’s the Los Angeles Dodgers, although if you were to switch to playing baseball, I’m sure it’s yet another sport you would be better at than Michael Jordan. But please, I strongly urge you to consider the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse as your next home.
See you on the court, King.
Sincerely,
Larry Noodle, Beekeeper and LeBron James superfan
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
