Zyns have exploded on the market in the last few years as the newest way to ingest nicotine. A small white pouch that is infused with flavored nicotine gets placed in between the gum and lip of the user as the addictive substance seeps in through the skin.
Typically lasting between 30-60 minutes, the user discards the pouch when the nicotine wears off. However, the frat flicking partiers that use these ‘lip pillows’ love to discard these saliva filled packets anywhere but a proper trash receptacle.
This past school year the streets of La Crosse have been riddled with Zyns. From Wentz Hall to Broncos little white pouches can be found on sidewalks, in the grass, and even plastered to the sides of walls leading to the city’s newest environmental crisis.
The wildlife of La Crosse got so fed up with these pouches polluting their ecosystem that a task force of squirrels self-appointed themselves to take on La Crosse’s Zyn problem.
Since May 16, the end of University of Wisconsin-La Crosse’s semester, hundreds of squirrels have been cleaning up the streets of La Crosse. However, this past week things took a turn for the worst as numerous reports of the squirrel task force ingesting the nicotine product have surfaced.
“Yeah dude it was straight ridonkulous man. I was just hanging out in my lawn chair knocking back a couple of brewskis and I see this squirrel with an upperdeckie! Shit was tight,” said third-year Zion Nikoteen.
In the last few days local squirrelologists have reported that an astounding 25% of the squirrel population in La Crosse is now hooked on Zyns. This new addiction has caused an uptick in the purchase of graphic t-shirts, backwards hats and Nike crew socks as local squirrels are embracing their newfound culture.
Although the litter of Zyns throughout La Crosse have been cleaned up in record time, the new shortage of available nicotine pouches is causing the squirrel community to go feral.
Locals have reported seeing gangs of squirrels waiting outside of large Zyn sellers like Kwik Trip or Smokes 4 Less. Once a buyer comes out with one of those hockey puck containers, the customer is immediately surrounded and intimidated into handing over their Zyns.
On a few occasions, these confrontations have even turned violent, with one person contracting rabies from numerous squirrel bites.
“These squirrels have gone f**king apeshit man. I have to buy Zyns out of a back ally now and sometimes they still find me,” said local Zyn enthusiast Dr. C. Moore Drugs.
In an effort to appease the squirrels and cut down squirrel on human violence, Mayor Shaundel Washington-Spivey has inducted a new initiative where 50 cans of Zyns are left out in various places around La Crosse each week.
While this initiative is only a few days old, it appears that the squirrel population has been less violent towards humans. The city’s next steps are to track the largest consumers in the rodent species, capture them and send them to a rehabilitation program.
A new state-of-the-art squirrel rehab center is currently being built in the downtown area. Donations can be made to getsquirrelsoffzyns.com and tips towards new outbursts can be reported to the La Crosse Police Department.
If you see something, say something.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
