We all know Thanksgiving is infamous for its dull, predictable, and surface level conversations. The topics never seem to drift towards anything interesting like politics, your cousin’s sexuality, or Grandpa announcing each bathroom trip like he’s calling plays at a Badger game.
In an effort to help elevate the dinner-table dialogue this year, The Acorn has taken the liberty of compiling a few conversation starters that are sure to bring the room to life. Feel free to use them generously and without warning.
1. “It’s been a while since we’ve all seen each other, could we go around the table and have everyone say their pronouns and one thing they’re thankful for?”
This revitalizes the classic “say what you’re thankful for” tradition and injects some much-needed freshness into an exercise older relatives have been participating in since the invention of radio. Grandma will surely appreciate the courtesy, modernity and the chance to surprise her (?) family with a new pronoun.
2. “Before we eat this meal, let’s do a land acknowledgement for all the Native Americans who were displaced and murdered on the first Thanksgiving.”
This is a wonderful way to open the meal: meaningful, reflective, and guaranteed to unite the table in thoughtful contemplation. Americans love opening rituals, and the older generation, who grew up reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, will especially enjoy the familiar rhythm of a solemn group statement right before stuffing their faces.
3. “Does this cranberry sauce have Red Dye 40 in it? I heard on the news that RFK said Red Dye 40 causes schizophrenia.”
Not only is this a valuable health question, but it also brings an educational element to the meal. Teaching family about good, reputable sources—like Fox News—is crucial in a time filled with misinformation and distrust of journalism as a whole. Sharing what you’ve learned over the year is a holiday tradition, and this topic is sure to spark a lively, informative discussion. Maybe the family will finally be able to put to rest Uncle Rob’s “girlfriend” that he’s been “seeing” for years now.
4. “Who’s excited for the Super Bowl halftime show?”
Now here is a safe, dependable choice. Football is something every generation can agree on, and the halftime show is celebrated universally. Plus, this year the Super Bowl is headlining one of the best Latino performers of this day and age, perfect for those family members who continuously brag about their Spanish Duolingo streak. An extra bonus to this conversation starter is that no one has ever—ever—had a strong opinion about the singer, wardrobe choices, or the symbolism behind the performance. This topic is sure to keep things cheerfully neutral.
5. “Have you heard about Trump and Bubba?”
Now I’m not horsing around when I say that I saved the best for last. The beauty of this question lies in its ambiguity. Who is Bubba? What happened? Is Trump a top or a bottom? The possibilities are endless, and so will the conversation.
If none of these were able to jump start stimulating dialogue try bringing up the government shutdown, Isreal and Palestine, the Epstein files, I.C.E., tariffs, “returning rights to the states”, why your brother was blackout drunk on a Wednesday, or that you’re changing your major to Germanic Literature with a minor in Trans Studies. Or you could just keep it simple and mention Zohran Mamdani.
Hopefully this helpful guide ensures your holiday gathering is livelier, more engaging, and excitingly more chaotic than previous years.
The Acorn wishes all its readers a happy Thanksgiving and sincerely hopes these tips are able to leave an impression that lasts longer than Joe Gow’s court hearings.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
