You wake up in the middle of the night to a faint crackling in your room. You’re not sure where it’s coming from, but it seems like this crackling is causing you pain. You turn to your roommate to ask if they hear the crackling, and find yourself unable to speak. You suddenly realize that the crackling is coming from your throat, and it’s drier than the Sahara Desert. You begin to panic, and decide that the only way to save yourself from a terrible thirsting-to-death is to teleport to the best bubbler on campus. But where is the best bubbler on campus? Thousands of UW-La Crosse students suffer this exact situation every year, and nobody is able to find the best bubbler and only moderately satisfied with drinks from mediocre bubblers. Because of this, I have interviewed UW-L students and ventured through the many buildings on campus to find the most sought after source of water in all of history—not the fountain of youth, but the Brick Building of the Best Bubblers.

First, I asked multiple sources around campus where I could find the best water. Many thought I was crazy asking a question like that out in the open, but I was willing to do whatever to quench my thirst for the truth. Eventually, a connection in the underground water trade in our campus lead me to Murphy Library to find some of the best water I have ever had. But was it the best on campus? I decided to test this myself by not drinking anything for 4 days. Then, when I had reached the point of a thirst that only the best water on campus could quench, I ventured to the bubbler that I had heard praises of the highest about. I went up and took a sip. It was great! I took another, and I realized that my thirst was being quenched, but not quite quenched enough. I hadn’t found it! After all of this hard work, I had only found probably the second or third best bubbler on campus. I had failed.

I then decided to give up and just get to writing this article to confirm that nobody would ever find the best bubbler on campus. I walked through the first floor of Murphy until I found my friend Mitch. I sat down in disappointment, and he asked me what was going on. I proceeded to explain to him my predicament, and when I was finished he said “Dude, Centennial has the best bubblers on campus, hands down! I can’t believe you weren’t aware of this!” He tried to say something else, but I was already on my way out the door to validate if his claim was true. I sprinted there as fast as I could, and arrived just parched enough to see if this water was as good as Mitch had claimed. I leaned down, and took a sip, and my throat went from being as dry as Death Valley to wetter than Niagara Falls. I had found it!

I rushed back to the library to finish my article, and let the whole campus know that we no longer had to worry about being unable to adequately satisfy our thirst. So before you take a sip from a mediocre bubbler, ask yourself, “Water you doing?” Head over to Centennial to get some aqua that’ll knock your socks off!