The last two weeks of the semester can be a trying time. Many professors assign final projects or papers early in an attempt to “beat the rush” of finals, resulting in some students feeling as though finals week is really finals month.
The “finals month” phenomenon has left many alienated students in its wake with the sense that all their professors are colluding against them. A report delivered to the desk of The Acorn this morning confirms the conspiracy turned chicanery: across the board, University of Wisconsin-La Crosse professors are out to get their students.
“This is a huge win for us truthers,” said second-year student Cole Lusion. “I’ve only been here a little over a year, but the sinister malevolence present in many professors was already palpable.”
The report reveals that the “finals month” ploy is an intentional plot to overwork students in an attempt to increase dropout and transfer rates, thus making the spring semester easier because of the decrease in enrollment.
“I always knew something was up at this place,” said third-year student Dee Ception. “I was starting to feel like the guy in that show that knows stuff. Like the guy that sits in the car, with the stare? He’s in that show….ah, forget it.”
The Acorn reached out to numerous members of UWL administration, as well as several deans and department chairs, but received no response. However, one anonymous professor happened to respond with a startling revelation.
“Ever since I was a student, I’ve hated them, truly,” said the professor, who chose to be known as Elizabeth. “Students leave early for things. They don’t do their homework over break like they easily could. These behaviors radicalized me against students when I was just a child, and I’ve made it my life’s mission to get back at them.”
It awaits to be seen what will result of this bombshell report. Top experts close to The Acorn predict that many UWL administrators and faculty members could see their contracts terminated. However, in the event of termination, a presidential pardon is not out of the question as seen with Joe Gow in December 2024.
DISCLAIMER: All articles featured in The Acorn are creative, satirical and entirely fictional pieces. They are not intended to be interpreted as genuine news.
